The root of any family troubles is considered to be communication problems between husband and wife. Married couples put communication difficulties at the top of their list of causes of conflict. But the reasons run deeper, says clinical psychologist Kelly Flanagan.
Difficulties in family communication are not a cause, but a consequence of some problem, a reaction to it. But spouses usually come to the psychotherapist’s office with a clear intention to solve communication problems, and not what caused them.
Imagine a kid being bullied on the playground by other kids, so it ended in a fight. In the midst of a fight, the teacher comes and makes the wrong conclusion: the boy is the instigator, he must be punished, although he only responded to other people’s actions. The same thing happens with family relationships. Difficulties in communication — the same boy, but the true instigators of the «fight».
1. We get married because we like the chosen one. But people change. Consider this. When going down the aisle, think not about what your betrothed is now or what you want to see him in the future, but about what he intends to become. Help him in this becoming just as he will help you in yours.
2. Marriage is not a panacea for loneliness. Loneliness is a natural human condition. Marriage cannot completely rid us of it, and when we feel it, we begin to blame our partner or seek intimacy on the side. In married life, people simply share loneliness between two, and in this joint being it dissipates. At least for a while.
3. Load of shame. We are all dragging him along. For most of adolescence, we try to pretend it doesn’t exist, and when a partner accidentally brings up the memory of our experience of shame, we blame them for causing this unpleasant feeling. But the partner has nothing to do with it. He can’t fix it. Sometimes the best family therapy is individual therapy, where we learn to work with shame rather than projecting it onto those we love.
4. Our ego wants to win.. Since childhood, the ego has served as a protection for us, helped to survive insults and blows of fate. But in marriage it is a wall that separates the spouses. It’s time to destroy it. Replace defensive maneuvers with sincerity, revenge with forgiveness, blame with apology, strength with vulnerability, and authority with mercy.
5. Life in general is a confusing thing, and marriage is no exception. When things don’t go our way, we often blame our partner for it. Stop pointing fingers at each other, it’s better to hold hands and look for a way out of the situation together. Then you can go through life’s ups and downs together. No guilt or shame.
6. Empathy is hard. Empathy between two people does not just happen, by itself. Someone has to manifest it first, but this is still no guarantee of a response. You have to take risks, make sacrifices. Therefore, many wait for the other to take the first step. Often, partners stand opposite each other in anticipation. And when one of them nevertheless decides, he almost always gets into a puddle.
What to do: those we love are imperfect, they will never become a perfect mirror for us. Can’t we love them for who they are and be the first to show empathy?
7. We care more about our children.than about those thanks to whom they were born. But children should not be more or less important than marriage — never! In the first case, they will immediately feel it and begin to use it, inciting disagreements between us. In the second, they will try to take over you. The family is a constant search for balance.
8. Hidden struggle for power. Family conflicts are partly negotiations about the degree of interdependence of spouses. Men usually want it to be smaller. Women are the opposite. Sometimes they switch roles. When you look at most fights, you can see the hidden question: who decides How long freedom we give each other in these relationships? If this question is not asked directly, it will indirectly provoke conflicts.
9. We no longer understand how to remain interested in something or someone alone. In the modern world, our attention is scattered on a million objects. We’re used to skimming over the top without delving into the essence of things, and moving on when we get bored. That is why meditation is so necessary for us — the art of directing all our attention to one object, and then, when we are involuntarily distracted, return to it again and again.
But after all, life in marriage can become a meditation on the person we love. This is extremely important for the union to be long and happy.
A therapist can teach a couple to communicate normally in an hour. It’s not hard. But it can take a lifetime to fight the real causes of family problems.
And yet life teaches us love. Turns us into those who can bear the burden of loneliness, is not afraid of shame, builds bridges from walls, rejoices at the opportunity to get confused in this crazy world, takes the risk of taking the first step and forgives for unjustified expectations, loves everyone equally, seeks and finds compromises, and also devotes all of yourself to something or someone.
And that life is worth fighting for.