contents
- «Physical violence hinders the development of the intellect»
- “The child must know that his body is inviolable”
- “The best way to avoid violence is to prevent it”
- «Think about the long-term consequences»
- «Violence distorts the perception of reality»
- «Spanking is destructive to a child’s psyche»
- «Violence leads the child into a trap»
- «Violence destroys the authority of the parent»
“You can’t beat children” — sadly, this axiom is questioned from time to time. We talked to psychologists and psychotherapists and found out why corporal punishment is extremely harmful to the physical and mental health of a child and what to do when there is no strength to restrain yourself.
“To beat or not to beat” — it would seem that the answer to this question was found a long time ago, at least in a professional environment. But some experts are not so clear-cut, saying that the belt can still be considered an educational tool.
However, most psychologists and psychotherapists believe that beating children means not educating, but using physical violence, the consequences of which can be extremely negative for several reasons.
«Physical violence hinders the development of the intellect»
Zoya Zvyagintseva, psychologist
It is very difficult to stop your hand from slapping when a child is behaving badly. At this moment, the emotions of the parents go off scale, anger is overwhelmed by a wave. It seems that nothing terrible will happen: we will spank a naughty child, and he will understand what is possible and what is not.
But numerous studies of the long-term consequences of spanking (not spanking, namely spanking!) — there are already more than a hundred such studies, and the number of children who took part in them is approaching 200 — lead to one conclusion: spanking does not have a positive effect on children’s behavior.
Physical violence works as a way to stop unwanted behavior only in the short term, but in the long term it kills parent-child relationships, affects the development of the volitional and emotional parts of the psyche, inhibits the development of intelligence, increases the risk of developing mental, cardiovascular diseases, obesity and arthritis.
What to do when a child misbehaves? The long-term method: to be on the side of the child, to talk, to understand the causes of behavior and, most importantly, not to lose contact, trust, communication is very time-consuming and resource-consuming, but pays off over time. Thanks to this, the child learns to understand and control emotions, acquires the skills to resolve conflicts peacefully.
The authority of parents does not depend on the fear that children experience towards them, but on the degree of trust and closeness.
This does not mean permissiveness, the boundaries of desirable behavior must be set, but if in emergency situations parents have to resort to force (for example, physically stop a fighting baby), then this force should not hurt the child. Soft, firm hugs will be enough to slow down the fighter until he calms down.
It may be fair to punish the child—for example, by taking away privileges briefly to establish a link between bad behavior and unpleasant consequences. It is important at the same time to agree on the consequences so that the child also considers them fair.
It is almost impossible to put these tips into practice when the parents themselves are in such an emotional state that they cannot cope with anger and despair. In this case, you need to pause, take a deep breath and slowly exhale. If the situation permits, it’s best to put aside the discussion of bad behavior and the consequences and use this opportunity to take a break, distract yourself, and calm down.
The authority of parents does not depend on the fear that children feel towards them, but on the degree of trust and closeness, on the ability to talk and even in the most difficult situations to count on their help. No need to destroy it with physical violence.
“The child must know that his body is inviolable”
Inga Admiralskaya, psychologist, psychotherapist
One of the important aspects to consider in the topic of physical punishment is the issue of the integrity of the body. We talk a lot about the need to teach children from an early age to say “no” to those who try to touch them without permission, to recognize and be able to defend the boundaries of their body.
If physical punishment is practiced in the family, all this talk about zones and the right to say “no” is devalued. A child cannot learn to say “no” to unfamiliar people if he does not have the right to inviolability in his own family, at home.
“The best way to avoid violence is to prevent it”
Veronika Losenko, preschool teacher, family psychologist
The situations in which a parent raises a hand against a child are very different. Therefore, there is no one answer to the question: “How else?” Nevertheless, the following formula can be deduced: «The best way to avoid violence is to prevent it.»
For example, you spank a toddler for climbing into an outlet for the tenth time. Put a plug — today they are easy to buy. You can do the same with boxes that are dangerous for the child devices. So you will save your nerves, and you won’t have to swear at the children.
Another situation: the child takes everything apart, breaks it. Ask yourself, «Why is he doing this?» Watch him, read about the characteristics of children at this age. Perhaps he is interested in the structure of things and the world as a whole. Maybe because of this interest, he will one day choose a career as a scientist.
Often, when we understand the meaning of an act of a loved one, it becomes easier for us to respond to it.
«Think about the long-term consequences»
Yulia Zakharova, sikològ klinik, sikoterapis kognitif-konpòtmantal
What happens when parents beat their children for misdeeds? At this point, the child’s undesirable behavior is associated with punishment, and in the future, children obey in order to avoid punishment.
At first glance, the result looks effective — one slap replaces many conversations, requests and exhortations. Therefore, there is a temptation to use corporal punishment more often.
Parents achieve immediate obedience, but corporal punishment has a number of serious consequences:
The situation when a loved one uses a physical advantage to establish power does not contribute to the growth of trust between the child and the parent.
Parents set a bad example for their children: the child may begin to behave asocially — to show aggression towards those who are weaker.
The child will be ready to obey anyone who seems stronger to him.
Children can learn to manipulate parental anger in order to watch the parent lose control.
Try to raise your child with a long-term focus. Do you raise an aggressor, a victim, a manipulator? Do you really care about a trusting relationship with your child? There are many ways to parent without corporal punishment, think about it.
«Violence distorts the perception of reality»
Maria Zlotnik, clinical psychologist
The parent gives the child a sense of support, stability and security, teaches them to build trusting and close relationships. The family influences how children will perceive themselves in the future, how they will feel in adulthood. Therefore, physical violence should not be the norm.
Violence distorts the child’s perception of external and internal reality, injures the personality. Abused children are more prone to depression, suicide attempts, alcoholism and drug use, as well as obesity and arthritis as adults.
You are an adult, you can and must stop the violence. If you can’t do it yourself, you need to seek help from a specialist.
«Spanking is destructive to a child’s psyche»
Svetlana Bronnikova, clinical psychologist
It often seems to us that there is no other way to calm the child, to make him obey, and that a slap with the palm of his hand is not violence, that nothing terrible can happen to the child from this, that we still were not able to stop.
All these are just myths. There are other ways, and they are much more effective. It is possible to stop. Spanking is destructive to a child’s psyche. Humiliation, pain, destruction of trust in the parent, which the spanked child experiences, subsequently leads to the development of emotional overeating, excess weight and other serious consequences.
«Violence leads the child into a trap»
Anna Poznanskaya, family psychologist, psychodrama therapist
What happens when an adult raises a hand to a child? First, breaking the emotional connection. At this point, the child loses a source of support and security in the person of the parent. Imagine: you are sitting, drinking tea, comfortably wrapped in a blanket, and suddenly the walls of your house disappear, you find yourself in the cold. This is exactly what happens to a child.
Secondly, this way children learn that it is possible to beat people — especially those who are weaker and smaller. Explaining to them later that a younger brother or children on the playground cannot be offended will be much more difficult.
Thirdly, the child falls into a trap. On the one hand, he loves his parents, on the other hand, he is angry, afraid and offended by those who hurt. Most often, anger is blocked, and over time, other feelings are blocked. The child grows into an adult who is not aware of his feelings, cannot adequately express them, and is unable to separate his own projections from reality.
As an adult, someone who was abused as a child chooses a partner who will hurt
Finally, love is associated with pain. As an adult, someone who was abused as a child either finds a partner who will hurt, or he himself is in constant tension and expectation of pain.
What should we adults do?
Talk to children about your feelings: about anger, resentment, anxiety, powerlessness.
Admit your mistakes and ask for forgiveness if you still couldn’t restrain yourself.
Acknowledge the child’s feelings in response to our actions.
Discuss punishments with children in advance: what kind of consequences their actions will entail.
Negotiate “safety precautions”: “If I get really angry, I will slam my fist on the table and you will go to your room for 10 minutes so that I can calm down and not harm either you or myself.”
Reward desirable behavior, don’t take it for granted.
Ask for help from loved ones when you feel that fatigue has reached a level where it is already difficult to control yourself.
Evgeniy Ryabovol, family systems psychologist
Paradoxically, physical punishment discredits the parental figure in the eyes of the child, and does not strengthen the authority, as it seems to some parents. In relation to parents, such an important component as respect disappears.
Every time I communicate with families, I see that children intuitively feel kind and unkind attitude towards themselves. Artificial conditions, often created by aggressive parents: «I hit you because I’m worried, and so that you don’t grow up to be a bully,» don’t work.
The child is forced to agree with these arguments and, when meeting with a psychologist, he usually shows loyalty to his parents. But deep down, he knows well that pain is not good, and causing pain is not a manifestation of love.
And then everything is simple: as they say, remember that someday your children will grow up and be able to answer.